i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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