I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
