I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I need a beard to bite.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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