Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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