apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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