Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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