Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
