Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
