I faked an abortion last night.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I intend to get homeless drunk
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
