Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
