How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
