I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
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