oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
