just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize