Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
