he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
