Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
