It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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