I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
