Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
17 year olds will be the death of me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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