That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
