I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
