I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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