I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
