why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
ugly people sure do ruin things
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
