I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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