Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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