Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
