so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
