our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
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