Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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