I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
