my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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