Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
