I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
