As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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