I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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