everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
