So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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