21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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