On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
