At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
