just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
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