glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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