don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
