Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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