You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
