I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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