I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
