My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
