I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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