the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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