....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
