Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
