I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
