Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
