Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
