the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
