if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
