i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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